Since the cast of Jersey Shore is too busy demanding upwards of $10k to throw a few fist pumps and show off their abs at clubs across the country, here is what we imagine an interview with the cast might be like. Here are some highlights from the chat. Our questions will appear first, followed by their answers, many of which we will then translate into English.

SNMag: How have you been handling the sudden fame you are experiencing as a result of the immense success of the show?
Mike “The Situation”: The situation has been so crazy…
SNMag: Pardon us for interrupting but are you literally talking about the situation or referring to yourself in the third person?
MTS: Aaaha, right now I’m talking about the actual situation. Trust me, you’ll know when I’m talking about The Situation.
SNMag: So in your case, the situation is having a set of killer abs, a fresh hair-cut, (perhaps with some razor art thrown in, depending on your mood) topped off with a regular tan and an “I can’t lose” attitude?’
MTS: That’s the situation.


Pauly D: For me, everything has been great so far, me and my boys been creepin’ at the clubs as usual, and sure we come across a few grenades here and there but when I’m in the DJ booth doing my thing, there’s nothing but hot chicks for days.
Ronnie: [Convulses into laughter. High fives Pauly.]
SNMag: Ronnie, do you want to add something?
R: [still laughing] Nah, that’s my boy!
SNMag: Okay, so Pauly when you and your male friends venture out to late night establishments to pursue young ladies, you inevitably encounter a few unattractive ones. However, when you are working as a disc jockey, in the disc jockey booth, there are a plethora of attractive females.
PD: That’s wassup.
SNMag: Splendid. Next question. AOLtelevision.com has reported that the Obama’s do NOT watch, repeat NOT watch Jersey Shore, saying, “We’ve heard about it, not seen it...” Thoughts?
Snooki: I mean, I don’t really take that as a bad thing you know? The president has heard about us so obviously we are doing something right. And, I didn’t vote so I don’t feel as bad. It’s too bad for them because I think his wife could look good with a bump.

SNMag: Yes, Michelle Obama would look tantalizing with an extra puffy tuft of hair atop the crown of her head, paired with a classic J Crew cardigan.
Sammie “Sweetheart”: I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet…So on one
hand I have respect for Obama and his family but on the other hand, the joke is on them. Everyone is watching
our show so in the end, they’re the ones gettin’ played.
R: [Laughing.]
SNMag: Ronnie? Care to chime in?
R: I swore I’d never fall in love at the shore…this was supposed to be the summer of smushing random girls.


SNMag: Yes Ronnie, we know you intended on making sweet, sweet love to relative strangers, but instead ended up making sweet, sweet love to Sammie. That’s pretty much a win win. So moving on, TMZ has recently reported that you guys are getting paid thousands of dollars just to make appearances at nightclubs. In light of these tough economical times, how does that make you feel?
Vinny: You gotta take what you can get, now more than ever. Whether we’re getting paid or not, when we show up at a club, we’re gonna beat the beat up with fist pumps, do our thing.
J-WOWW: Definitely, we’re gonna beat the beat up and if anyone doesn’t like it, we’ll boom bash them up good…

SNMag: Hold that thought, Miss WOWW, let us try to get on your level for a second. When you guys partake in club outings, you pound the ground in an attempt to suffocate the beat of the music, which is rumbling below. When that beat eventually escapes and infiltrates the club, you transition into pumping your fists in the air. If anyone should disagree with what you are doing, you will promptly beat the crap out /of them.
JW: Get it, girl.

SNMag: We think, we do…We think we finally get it! And if you all will excuse us, we have some GTL to attend to.
Whole Cast: Us too, let’s do it together! [All start fist pumping.]

By Chase Darren

Jersey Shore Slang Decoded

Creep (v.) – Term for sweet talking a hot girl at a club and hopefully snagging her digits.

Grenade (n.) – The fugly girl in a group of fine ladies that must be thrown to one of your boys so she doesn’t explode and ruin your potential hookup.

Fist Pump (n.) – A dance in which one punches his/her fist in the air in an effort to show enthusiasm.

Juice Head (n.) – A very tan, very muscle-y Italian-American gentleman who often is lacking a neck.

Gorilla (n.) – See above definition for “Juice Head.”

Guido (n.) – A male Italian-American who exhibits a passion for Ed Hardy.

Guidette (n.) – A female Italian-American who exhibits a passion for guys who like Ed Hardy.

Hippo (n.) – An ugly chick (can often also serve as the “grenade”).

GTL (n.) – Gym, tan, laundry; the agenda of Juice Head who wants to “keep it fresh.”

Pouf (n.) – The mound of hair perched upon a guidette’s head in “bumpit” fashion.

Blow-Out (n.) – A male hair configuration in which handfuls of hair product are heaped onto head and hair is blasted with a blow dryer to stand on end.

Pound It Out (v.) – To engage in sexual intercourse.

Smush (v.) – See definition for “Pound It Out.”

Robbery (v.) – The act of stealing another girl.

Vibe (v.) – To be attracted to someone.