Pauly Shore: “What’s up, babe? How’s my butt? Is it soft?”
SNMag: Did that work out ok?
PS: Yeah, it’s soft. People ask me if I shave it. Do you want to feel it really quick? Here let me show you.
SNMag: Are you really going to show us your butt?
PS: [Pulls down pants] People are like, “Do you shave it?” I’m like, “I’ve never shaved it. It’s just soft.”
SNMag: What’s a unique date idea that will get you some points with that special someone?
PS: The first thing that’s going to give you points is actually picking the girl up. There are a lot of guys who are like, “Meet me at my house and I’ll drive.” I think just not being about yourself, which is really hard, especially these days when everyone is so self-centered and into themselves. It’s hard and almost impossible for guys not to be selfish.
SNMag: Are you into chivalry?
PS: Yeah, for sure. It’s the little things that I think girls pick up on. I’m a comic and comics are all about me, me, me. That’s part of the reason why I’m not in a relationship. Women need attention. It’s not about you. It’s all about them.
SNMag: Do you think it’s appropriate to text message if you’re going to ask somebody out or do you always have to call?
PS: Definitely text. It’s fine because it’s casual and simple. Plus, I think that you can break the ice on a text. It’s funny because there are a lot of girls that don’t like to talk. They like to text.
SNMag: What do you do if a girl doesn’t seem interested in you?
PS: I think that in life, not everyone gets along. I think you need to realize that if the girl is not interested in you, back off and move on. A good way to find out is if you text her and she doesn’t text you back. If it’s the third time she still doesn’t text you back, then stop texting her. She’s not into it.
SNMag: What’s a good way to say you’re sorry if you screwed up with a girl?
PS: Admit that you were wrong.
SNMag: What’s the best pick-up line you’ve used that’s actually worked?
PS: For me, it’s like, “Hey, you want to come see me do stand-up? Bring your friends,” because then it’s casual. I think other guys that don’t do stand-up should say that anyway. “Hey, come see me perform,” and they get there and he’s like “Ah, I don’t do it anymore. My last show was really bad but hey, what’s up?”
SNMag: If you were to cook dinner for a girl, what would your menu be?
PS: Believe it or not, I’m actually a really good cook. I’ve been cooking since I was about 12. I like salmon with some steamed vegetables, salad and rice. Just very simple.
SNMag: Do you have any pre-date rituals?
PS: Yeah, I pluck my eyebrows. Just kidding. Not really. I just try to look rested. Try to make it look like you’re interested in her. It goes back to not being about yourself.
SNMag: How many days should a guy wait to call a girl he likes?
PS: I would text first. Sometimes you want to text them right away so they know who it is. You just have an ice-breaker text.
SNMag: What do you do if you’re dating a girl and you start liking her roommate?
PS: If the roommate likes you too then the deal is that you don’t want to keep people from being
with each other. Life is about choices. You’re either going to eat that hot fudge sundae or try to lose weight. You’re either going to hit on the chick or you’re not. Hot fudge sundaes are good. Roommates are good. What are you going to do? Fuck each other behind each other’s backs? That’s not cool.
SNMag: When you go out to meet girls do you travel with a wingman or do you like to go solo?
PS: I go with a friend and we meet girls together. Sometimes it’s good to do a u-turn by yourself and hold the fort. Like, “I’m going to go get some bitches. You wait here.”
SNMag: How can a guy spice up a relationship if it’s starting to get stale?
PS: Put it in her butt… I think probably just take a break. Spend time away from each other. Not a break-up but spending time away from each other is important. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe just go away and be with your buddies and regroup. Life begins where your comfort zone ends.
By Jillian Gordon
Photography by Bobby Quillard