As our institutions crumble and global fear swells, there’s one entity all Americans still love and trust, whatever you call them: the cops, coppers, oinks, the fuzz, swashbucklers, po-po, 5-0, boy scouts, badges or the black-and-white. We love them pigs. But why? Should we? Fresh from shooting a law enforcement documentary in Miami, (Reno 911: Miami, out Feb. 23) we caught up with Reno County’s own Lt. Jim Dangle, Travis Junior and Trudy Wiegel to get a dose of homegrown chivalry and to find out why society’s finest are the last hope for humanity.
“Beat” Patrol
Well… we’re not allowed to listen to records or anything when we’re on duty… But sometimes I’ll sneak a JERRY REED 8 track into the old squad car, just in case there’s a good chase.
W.M.D. Evac. Inst.
Flee to one of them countries that’s too damn spineless to piss people off. Like Switzerland, or Canada. Try getting a good taco there, buddy.
What the Fuzz do for Fun
I used to hang out at strip clubs, til they got that new 6 feet law…man, 6 feet? Might as well stay home and jack off to America’s Next Top Model.
Closest Call…
Two seconds ago–I just almost hit a bus full of them Purple Hat Society ladies at 60 per…I guess I shouldn’t try to drive, drink coffee and type at the same time.
New Year’s Resolution
My New Year’s resolution: WWED. What would Elvis do? Would Elvis shoot that TV to prove a point? YES, HE WOULD. Would he think twice about finishing that second hoagie? NO, HE WOULD NOT. Not only WHAT would Elvis do–but by extension: WHO would Elvis do. So in ‘07, stay the hell out of my way unless you’re looking for trouble or a hunka burning love.
Top Arrest
Got to bust my dad once for stealing a car. That felt pretty good. Full circle.
To Kids:
Kids, never, never buy drugs off the street. You’ll get ripped off.
I wouldn’t mind having to pat down that oriental chick from Lost…But I’m not really sure if that answers your question.
Minority Arrest Quota?
That’s a very racist question and quite frankly I’m offended. But yes, I try to grab as many beaners as I can in a day....they’re usually up to no good.
What the Fuzz do for Fun
I usually head over to the Waffle Hut, see how Carla’s new hip is treating her, grab myself a short stack and then head home in time to catch MacGyver re-runs.
Closest Call
I come pretty close to getting killed almost every day. Yesterday I got my hand caught in the vending machine down in the basement of the station and if Roy hadn’t come by, I might have died down there.
New Year’s Resolution
This year I resolve to bathe more often. I’ve been told it’s becoming an issue.
Most Wanted Security Gig
I would love to work security for a Celine Dion concert. I love her music and maybe I could get a free T-shirt or even meet her in person. Maybe we would become friends and she would invite me to her house in Las Vegas and I could meet her husband and her son and her cat, Fredrick. I think we’d really hit it off. We have a lot in common. She’s a very famous, married wealthy entertainer and mother and I have a cat too!
“Beat” Patrol
Whitney Houston’s “Wind Beneath My Wings” gives me strength and power....not necessarily to do my job, but it’s great to listen to while crying in the bathtub.
The Vice Vocab
Out there on the streets we see it all–pot, marijuana, sticky bud, pills, acid tabs, ludes, crack, rock, crack-rock, JJs, KFCs, Trick or Treats, wine coolers, all of it. You gotta watch your back or someone might try and dose you up with crank weed or a beer bomb.
I’m a sucker for T.G.I. Fridays. If someone offered me a gift certificate I might have a hard time turning them down. Have you had their jalapeño poppers? They’re sinful!!
Fighting Style
The jazzy showmanship of Tommy Tune, accompanied with the deadly biting power of a Komodo Dragon.
“Beat” Patrol
Oddly enough, we tend to listen to the “other side” when we’re in the squad car, by which I mean anti-cop hip hop. Hearing X-zibit remind us that he’s gonna “leave in a body bag but never in cuffs” keeps us on our toes. “Fuck the Police” is another one. Anytime I’m feeling like nobody cares about us, I pop that one in and remember – someone does care, and it’s N.W.A. and they want to fuck us.
Complaints
As they say, “shit roles downhill,” and I’m a fucking Sherpa in a turd parade up Mount Everest. By which I mean, I answer to a lot of people above me: Sheriff, The City Council, etc. Plus, everybody below me thinks it’s raining turds on them, and that I’m some sort of magic llama that’s constantly pooping and doesn’t give them any time off. I hope this make sense. It does in my head.
New Year’s Resolution
ENOUGH WITH THE FUDGE. I gotta knock the fudge this year. I’m losing the battle of the bulge, seriously.
Top Arrest
Louie Anderson. That dude is into some seriously sick shit, and if I can keep him off the street for a few more years -- mission accomplished. I shudder to think about it now, but thank God that the families of those boys know the truth about what happened.
Groin Gear
Vigilance, preparedness, and TIGHT briefs (really tight). If one of my balls pops out into harms way – that’s another weapon in the arsenal of my opponent. Keep your friends close, keep your balls closer. How married are you to the shorts?
Put Some Pants On!
I am 1000 percent married to the shorts (do the math, yes it works, 1000 percent). I don’t care if I got transferred to fucking Siberia, the shorts allow me to move with the lethal stealth of a law enforcement cheetah. They can have my shorts when they pry ‘em from my cold dead... legs and butt.
Kill Baby-Tied-to-Tracks Vs. Kill Train Full of Innocents
I do the only morally sound thing – jump off of this fucking nightmare train immediately, hopefully landing on something relatively soft, then I watch from the safety of the underbrush while the train either explodes in a fireball, or runs over this baby. Here’s my logic: if someone goes to all the trouble to tie a baby to the railroad tracks: that must be one seriously evil fucking baby. No joke. This baby has pissed off some powerful, ruthless people to get where he is.
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