Where You’ve Seen Him: Full House
Soon to be found in: Farce of the Penguins
Bob Saget is not Danny Tanner. Bob Saget is not some dork from America’s Funniest Home Videos. Bob Saget is not some stupid puppet. No, such could not be further from the truth. In actuality, Bob Saget is so much more than that. Bob Saget is the director of Dirty Work (Chris Farley’s last movie). Bob Saget is a puppeteer of penguins (as can be seen in his upcoming comedy epic Farce of the Penguins. And Bob Saget is also, in fact, God…or at least that’s what some people would like you to believe.
Yesterday, I was surfing around and I found a website called “BobSagetIsGod.com.”
Oh, geez. There’s this guy in Atlanta and when I was there doing stand-up, he literally got down on his knees and started bowing to me, saying “I’m not worthy.” And I was just like, “Dude. Arise. It is just I.” He took tons of photos, put a blue sky in the background and proclaimed I was the chosen one. I wanted to cease and desist him, but he seemed like such a nice guy, even though he’s all pierced and tatted.
So, in the end, did he convert you?
Myself? No! Nothing will ever convince me to become a believer in myself. Also, he was fake-selling slaves, which I was against. They were from Pakistan or someplace else very offensive. Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do as long as they’re not selling something on the web and I’m so tired of suing people.
Just for the sake of this piece, what responsibilities go along with being God?
People say there’s no such thing as a mistake, but when I look around, I see some people and think, “There’s definitely some mistakes going on around here.” We shouldn’t be having babies in labs when all they’re growing up to do is drive a truck or start a fire. Not to say that everyone who drives a truck is crazy enough to start a mountain on fire. But I have never ever met someone who started a forest fire by themselves and didn’t drive a truck. There’s probably going to be some trucker now who reads this and starts my house on fire. Do you think truckers read college publications?
Yeah, they just hang out at rest stops and pretend they’re straight. When you’re driving really far and you want to stop and get a sandwich, all you have to do is stop at a truck stop. Of course, “truck stop” actually just means “men going down on each other.” Or at least that’s what I’m told. They should just change the name of those places to “Two Guys Doing It.”
Have you ever been to a truck stop, Bob?
I hang out there. I go there and set up business. I have a little card table I set up and I preach my church that I know nothing about.
Truck stops aside, what is Lord Saget’s heaven like?
Boy, what I’m about to say is going to sound really fruity, but I think my heaven would be a place where the people I love wouldn’t, uh…you know…die.
What do people have to do to be “saved”?
I don’t want to have to put anyone through a test, but they’d definitely have to be kind and less about themselves than others. And then, they’d have to really, really dig me.
Yeah, It’s a big house of shit. And I don’t mind if they have other gods before me. I gotta go on record here, no matter what, I do not think I am God. However, I would like to keep my dog alive til he’s like 700-years-old in dog years. That’s the most important thing to me about being God.
Be sure to check out Farce of the Penguins on DVD, available in stores and online now!
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