The Artic Circle is a pretty crazy place for a winter vacation— what was the defining moment of the trip?
My buddy Novak, a big scumbag from Baltimore, ate a reindeer eyeball and he felt so sick and I only had Pringles, so I told him to try to eat some to settle his stomach and he said it felt like he was feeding the eyeball. He swallowed it whole so the next day he crapped it out in the middle of the street in this small town in Finland. There was no crap on the eyeball it was just a pure eyeball that came out, and I can truly say that’s a stunt that has never been done before.
Impressive! If you could take back one thing that you’ve done on film, what would it be and why?
I’d say anal bead kite. It sounded funny at the time to shove anal beads up my ass and then have a kite rip them out on Malibu beach, but I was under the influence of eight Coronas at the time. When I look at it sober, I’m like, “Man, why’d I do that?”
Have you always been into doing crazy stunts like that? Describe your seventh grade, prepubescent self.
I was always doing funny stunts, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve just been throwing my morals out the window.
Did you ever pull any crazy stunts to try to get girls?
It never really worked. In high school and middle school, I never had a girlfriend because I was too busy skating, so I wasn’t too good at that. That’s why I married my high school sweetheart. She was easy to track down. I never did any stunts for girls, I just did it to make my friends laugh.
Have you done anything this year to make you feel that you’re on the naughty list? How do you think you’re sitting with Santa Claus right now?
The only thing that I wreck is stuff of my own or my friends stuff, and I always replace it. Novak just bought a $400, crappy car so I painted it yellow and I put a Christmas tree up 50 feet high and dropped it on the hood and ruined it, but I bought him a new one so that’ll probably win me Santa back.
Do you have ay advice for readers who find themselves on the naughty list?
I believe in karma. I just got this BB gun and I was shooting stuff all around the house and a pretty bird flew up on my deck, so I was like “why not?” So I shot it and killed it. Two hours later, I went skating and twisted my ankle really bad, so that’s where the karma part comes in.
I know Santa is really popular with the kids, but the people who watch your movies are probably a bit too old for that stuff. If you were Santa, how would you recreate your image?
I guess I’d just be fat with a big red suit and walk around with a bunch of presents.
If you were Santa and you had to make your buddies your reindeer or your elves, who would be Rudolph and who would get to ride shotgun in your sleigh?
Novak would definitely be Rudolph because he is a whore for money, and he will do anything to get a quick buck, and the passenger seat…either Missy or I’d say my buddy Hoof-putay, his name is Chris Asputay, but I call him Hoof-putay.
How’d he earn that nickname?
He wrapped duct tape around his hand like a hoof and went skating all day with it, it kind of stuck.
Do you know what you’re going to get your wife this Christmas?
She’s standing right next to me so I’m going to have to step outside. She’s spying on me right now. I got her the purple Lambo with the suicide doors, but she never drives it because the guy that did it did a really shitty job and it cost $9,000 to get it done that way, but she doesn’t have the arm strength to close the doors. For Christmas, I’ll probably fix that and she likes jewelry, so I’ll probably get her a nice piece of jewelry, probably from David Yurman because I’m friends with the guy from King of Prussia mall.
What’s your favorite gift that you’ve been given for Christmas?
My mom and dad pretty much go crazy. They buy me all these cool dune buggies and stuff like that, and they always put license plates on them that say, “If you’re ass isn’t Bam’s ass then get the fuck off of it.” I have like acres of jumps and trails and stuff so we all have four-wheelers. They bought Missy a pink four-wheeler and the license plate says, “If you’re not Missy then you’re going to look pretty gay on this thing.” She only rode it twice!
What would your advice be for readers who want to pull crazy stunts but don’t have parents that are as accepting as yours? How did you work that deal out?
Whatever my mom says that she likes a lot, be it a nice table or cabinet or vase, I always wind up breaking it or painting on it or messing it up, but I always wind up getting her another one. She has kind of started to figure that out. When we first started filming for the MTV show she was so mad in the beginning but we would say “Look, MTV got you a new one!”
What are three ingredients for the perfect party?
A good band playing, for me. I’d get some pro skaters because that is always entertaining, and then thirdly, you always have to have booze because it sets the mood for people to do crazy stuff so you can get good stuff on film.
How should our readers take advantage of the holiday season to nail the ideal holiday hookup?
Decorate your house like the Griswalds! I don’t know, I’m not really good at that. I’m married so I don’t really think about that stuff; that’s a Novak question.
We don’t know if you ever had that first awkward holiday dinner with your wife’s family, but if so, how did you really make a good impression?
It’s just Missy’s mom and her two sisters so I’ve known them for a while; there haven’t really been any awkward moments. If you want to talk about my ex-girlfriend then we can talk about awkward! My ex-girlfriend’s parents staged an intervention at the Thanksgiving table. They said that I drank too much, and then they played me some video footage of me being drunk and wild. It was the most awkward dinner on earth.
Do you have any last words of wisdom for our readers?
Novak painted me the crappiest painting on earth with “Misery is optional, pain is an illusion, but love is eternal” on it. Those are my words of wisdom.
By Alanna Peterson
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cheers
joyeuses fetes et bon années la familles margera ciao freddy
Joyeux noel et bonne anne ;)